Making Jokes
by Demon Eyes Laharl
Summary: Two blondes. One joke battle. One thousand lien on the line. Let the battle... begin! (Edited - 12/19/18)


"Really, Xiao Long?" Weiss Schnee asked, rolling her eyes.

"What?" Yang Xiao Long asked, staring at her image in the mirror, turning slightly to make sure her ensemble was perfect.

"Do you actually think we'd buy that?" Weiss clarified.

After fixing her long blonde hair, Yang nodded absently before looking at her teammate. "Why so doubtful?"

"Maybe because what you just said wasn't believable?" Blake replied from her bed, her golden eyes still on her book.

Yang frowned. "And what's so unbelievable about me in a joke contest?"

"Because you're horrible at it!" Weiss replied, exasperated. She looked towards her partner. "Right, Ruby?"

Ruby Rose, who was in the middle of eating a cookie, froze, staring at her team. After a few seconds, she straightened, and calmly replied, "If Yang says it, I believe her."

"Oh, thanks, sis!" Yang replied gratefully.

"However," Ruby continued, looking away bashfully, "if you just want to go clubbing, you don't have to lie to us."

The blonde's lilac eyes narrowed. "Well, what great teammates you all are."

"Face it, Yang," Weiss said, shaking her head, "we've been subjected to your humor many times, and we've found it lacking!"

Yang rolled her eyes. "That's because you lot don't get it."

"Get what?" Blake asked, never looking away from her book. "That your jokes suck?"

"Oh shut it, kitty, before I declaw you," Yang growled, crossing her arms over her chest. "Just because you think my jokes suck doesn't mean other people don't like them." She blew a stray strand away from her face. "Besides, it's a face-off."

"What do you mean by face-off?" Weiss asked, frowning slightly.

Yang sighed again before glancing back at her reflection one more time. "It means I'm not going to stand in front of a crowd." She turned around to face her teammates once more. "I sit in front of someone, exchange jokes, and they'll do the same. It's basically a battle of who can make someone laugh more."

"How does that change the fact that your humor sucks?" Blake asked.

Yang rolled her eyes. "It's all psychological. You don't actually need gut-busting material to make someone laugh in that setting. Laughter can be brought about by many things. Discomfort, for instance." She snapped her fingers. "It's like combat in a way. It's all about reading and controlling the person in front of you."

Both Weiss and Blake looked at each other.

"Is that why you're dressed like that?" Weiss asked, pointing at Yang's ensemble. Instead of the normal hopscotch style of differing layers and colors, Yang wore a simple pair of tight jeans and a white tank-top.

"Yup," the blonde replied. "Gives the impression that I'm a fun, easy-going girl, while gives me ample opportunities to show a little skin. That way, I can distract my opponent, put them at ease, and make it easier to get a few laughs out of them."

"Wow," Ruby said, eyes wide. "I didn't know making jokes was so serious."

"Because it's not," Blake deadpanned as she turned a page.

Yang snorted. "Psh, you say that now, but wait until I come home with a thousand lien prize money."

Weiss blinked before snorting. "Only that much?"

Yang rolled her eyes. "Spoken like a true princess."

"Whatever," Weiss muttered, frowning.

"Prize money, though?" Blake asked.

Yang nodded. "Yup. It's sponsored, considering it's a charity event, but they still need a reward to attract participants."

"Charity?" Ruby asked.

"To help rebuild the city after the Breach," Yang replied. "Apparently, some businesses thought that hosting an event like this would help get rid of the lingering negative feelings the citizens might still have after what happened. A thousand may not be much, but it's still lien. Plus the city gets money and people will get something to enjoy. Win-win in my book."

"That's so cool!" Ruby exclaimed, rushing towards her. "Can I watch, sis?" she asked, hopping on her toes. "It sounds super fun!"

Yang smiled, grabbing her scroll and opening it. She began tapping on the holographic screen. "Here, everyone. This link will let you watch the competition live."

"Who'd want to watch you make stupid jokes?" Weiss asked harshly, though she was already clicking the link.

"Can't I come?" Ruby pleaded.

"You'll find it a bit boring," the blonde replied with a shake of her head. "The show's not going to start for a few hours."

"Why are you leaving so early then?" Ruby asked.

"They have to fix me up with a mic, probably put some makeup on me as well. Don't know why they bother covering perfection, but eh. What can you do?"

Weiss rolled her eyes before looking at her partner. "Yang is right, Ruby. Trust me. There's so much work going on behind the scenes. When I was still singing, I spent hours in the dressing room just to ensure I looked perfect for the stage and cameras."

"Spoken like a true princess," Yang repeated with a smirk before doing one last check. She took out a baby carrot that was situated between her chest, then placed it back there again gingerly.

"What's with the carrot?" Ruby asked.

"Props," Yang replied before she walked towards the coat hangers and grabbed her jacket. "Alright! Time to make them laugh!" She looked at the rest of the team. "You guys will watch, right?"

Weiss scoffed. "Just go already, Xiao Long."

The blonde just raised her fist as she exited their room, lilac eyes shining.

* * *

It was always the anticipation that got to her. Yang sighed as she sat patiently inside a cramped dressing room. The make-up artist had already given her the thrice-over, leaving her alone to play the waiting game.

She stretched her back slightly, focusing on one particular spot in the ceiling. Her thoughts went to the opponent she was about to face. She hoped it was a guy, a gender she had a lot of practise reading and charming. While she was confident she could work around it if it was a girl, they tended to get closed off and snippy if they met cold.

Negative emotions weren't something that would help her in this scenario.

"Being beautiful sucks," Yang joked, twirling her blonde hair gently. Then, she laughed for a few seconds before slapping her cheeks with both hands. "Okay, get it out of your system. A thousand lien."

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in," Yang replied automatically.

A typical male PA came in, complete with a headset, clipboard, and a paper cup filled with steaming coffee. "Miss Xiao Long?" he asked, somewhat tiredly. "We're ready for you."

Yang nodded before jumping up from her seat. "Finally!"

The PA offered the paper cup. "Coffee?"

"Nah," she replied.

Apparently, that didn't bother him. All he did was drink the cup himself, downing it in one shot.

Wide-eyed, she asked, "Isn't that hot?"

"Yes," he replied blankly.

"Uh, okay then. So… you gonna fix me up with the mic or something?"

"No need," he replied, crushing the cup and throwing it with a perfect arc into the trash. "There's a microphone set up on the table in front of your seat. Now, shall we?"

Yang let the dude escort her out of the room, and she was brought through a series of drab, lifeless corridors where she could only see white ceilings, grey walls, and even greyer doors that just went on and on. Even the carpet fit the monochrome look perfectly.

"With the money backing this whole thing," Yang commented, "you'd think they'd at least find a place with more color, eh?"

The PA didn't react, concentrating on something being said on his headset. Yang huffed.

Taking a left, the PA came to a stop to a door that finally had a splash of color on it—a red sign that simply read 'Stage'. The PA paused for a moment before looking at Yang.

"The active cameras are the ones that have a red light lit on top of it," he said neutrally. "There's a small audience, mostly the VIPs, but they know the nature of the show so you can be as crass as you want. Just try not to insult them."

Yang placed her fists on her hips. "What do you take me for—" she looked at the ID the PA was wearing, then blinked "—Laharl?" she finished unsurely.

The PA shrugged. "I'm just an extra. My only role is to subtly show the audience who you'll be facing."

"What?" Yang asked confusedly.

Laharl waved his hand. "Forget about it. Once you go in, you'll be introduced. So remember to wave at the camera and the audience." He looked at his clipboard. "I also need to remind you of the rules. You laugh, your opponent gets a point. It doesn't matter who made the joke at that time. There will be a ding for every point earned. We're at a five minute broadcast window per group, so adjust your material accordingly. If it ends with a tie, well, there will be a Sudden Laugh portion."

"What's that?" Yang asked. "Whoever laughs next loses?"

"Yup," he said. "Well, that's it for me." Then, without another word, he turned and walked away.

"Aren't you going to wish me luck?" Yang asked.

"Good luck," Laharl replied blankly, not even facing her as he half-raised his arm to wave goodbye.

"Psh, what a stiff," Yang muttered before looking at the door. She took a moment to breathe before opening the door.

"And here's our first contestant!" she heard.

Yang put on her best smile as she took a general look at the room. The first thing she saw was a small square table, set up with two microphones and chairs facing each other. Further in the background was another door, where she guessed her opponent would enter from.

She turned to the left and focused on a red light in the darkly lit background and gave it a friendly wave. That done, she took a moment to peer into the darkness that surrounded the active camera and saw the audience. It wasn't a large collection by any means, just a few nondescript people sitting on comfortable-looking couches. They were all clapping politely at her entrance.

At the center of the audience was an elongated table with two people, also set up with headsets and a mic. Probably the commentators, she thought. She was surprised though that she could hear them, though.

"Introducing Yang Xiao Long, a Huntress in Training," one of the commentators spoke. The blonde noted that the voice was coming from the speakers that were fixed along the ceiling. "Those that watch the news may have seen her battling the Grimm that came through the breach."

"The fact that she took the time to attend this event speaks highly of her," the second commentator, someone with a deeper voice than the first, added. "Not only is she a skilled fighter, she also cares enough to raise money to help the city!"

The audience clapped a little louder this time, making her smile shine even more.

"Thank you!" she exclaimed exuberantly, posing a bit while moving her head slightly to make her hair cascade around her. Someone whistled appreciatively, making her wink at the general audience.

With one final wave, she made her way towards the table, a little unsure whether to sit down or not when she reached her chair. However, she was saved the trouble when the door in front of her opened, revealing—

Her eyes widened in surprise.

"Here's our next contestant! Jaune Arc!"

Jaune had a small smile on his face as he entered, not even facing her as he also looked at the camera, waving his hands. The audience clapped as he made gun motions with his hands.

"Also a Hunter in Training from Beacon. He was also present in the Breach, taking down an Ursa single handedly! In fact, he and Yang Xiao Long are yearmates!"

Jaune froze mid-step, almost falling comically before he balanced himself. He moved his head away from the audience, finally seeing Yang for the first time and stared incredulously.

That got her to smile. "Hey, Vomit Boy!" she called.

"Oho, what is this?" a commentator asked, chuckling. "It seems these two are close!"

Jaune's shoulders slumped as he walked to her, taking a breath before greeting with a "Hey… Yang."

The other commentator also began to talk, but Yang blocked that out, her smile becoming a bit more strained.

This is bad, she thought. In fact, this was probably the worst scenario. She had hoped to face strangers. That would at least give her a lot of leeway when it came to playing them. However, it wasn't a stranger who was in front of her, but Jaune! The dorky guy who she had constantly teased. He knew her style of jokes, how she operated, and built a defense to protect him from her personality. In fact, he was so used to her he somewhat built immunity from her flirting!

How was that even possible?

Worse, she had not taken the time to really know him too well. Jaune was mostly Ruby's friend. The few things she knew about him was that he was made leader of Team JNPR, Pyrrha Nikos had a huge crush on him, and he in turn had a huge crush on Weiss that never really went anywhere. Oh, he was also a nice enough guy to convince Neptune, the guy Weiss was crushing on, to dance with the girl.

So how would knowing all that help me? she thought as Jaune approached the table cautiously.

Still, Jaune was also hesitant. When Yang offered her hand, he stared at it for a second or so before finally giving it a shake. That meant she had the advantage.

Sitting down, her eyes studied his face. "Didn't think I'd see you here, Vomit Boy," she began.

He gave her a small smile that didn't even reach his eyes as he sat down as well. "Me neither. Hope you got better material than usual."

"Ooh, shots fired and it hasn't even started!" one of the commentators declared, and the audience laughed.

Yang's eyes narrowed. "Then get ready to bust a gut, scraggly."

"As long as you don't punch it out,," he replied.

Yang grit her teeth with her smile, while also cracking her knuckles. "So, who starts?"

"Ladies first," Jaune replied.

Oh, you're going to regret that, she thought. "What do you call bees that produce milk?"

Jaune blinked. "What?"

Yang cupped her chest, bouncing them slightly before replying with a big grin. "Boobies!"

Jaune snorted out a laugh, though recovering very quickly. Still, that costed him a point as a small ding in the background called a point.

"Yeah, you liked that, didn't you?" Yang teased with a big grin.

"Not gonna get me with that again," Jaune promised.

"We'll see, Vomit Boy." She then offered her hand, palm up.

Jaune straightened before staring at her dead in the eyes. "What kind of exercises do lazy people do?"

"What?"

"Diddly squats."

It was Yang's turn to laugh, though she couldn't hide it as well as Jaune did. A ding counting a point against her sobered her up, though.

"Dad jokes?" Yang asked, almost incredulously.

"You laughed, right?" he challenged.

"Only because it was stupid!" she replied.

"Still made you laugh," Jaune answered with a knowing grin.

Yang shook her head. Jaune apparently did know how to play her. Using such a serious face, making a stupid joke… she wasn't going to dance his tune anymore.

"What did the shoe say to the pants?" she asked.

"What?"

"What's up, britches!"

Jaune made a small growling noise with his mouth closed. Then, he shook his head.

"Come on, you can let it out," Yang added, smiling.

He just shook his head. "I'm good." He took another deep breath. "What is the difference between a piano and a tuna?"

Yang raised an eyebrow.

"You can tuna piano, but can't piano a tuna."

Yang smiled, showing teeth, but shook her head. "Really?" she asked. "Puns are my territory, Vomit Boy."

"Thought it would make you laugh," he replied with a shrug.

Almost did, she thought, but only said, "Why would one fear condiments on their food?"

"Why?"

"Because they really couldn't relish it."

Jaune made a face that normally indicated a bad Yang pun, which kind of almost made her laugh. She just grinned, putting forth a plan of action.

"My dentist is a really mean guy," he began. "He's always hurts my fillings."

Someone in the audience laughed. Yang just shook her head. "Another pun?"

"Better than yours, considering I got a laugh out of mine."

Oh, you're going to get it soon, she thought with narrowed eyes. "Why does a prostitute get picked last on sports?"

Jaune made a face, groaning. "W-why?" he asked slowly.

"Because they always suck." 

He closed his eyes, shaking his head. "Dirty jokes after a pun, huh? I'm onto you."

"Sure, sure."

"Why do immature girls come in odd numbers?" he asked.

"Why?"

In the most ridiculous accent she'd ever heard, he replied, "Coz they can't eveeeeen."

That almost had her laughing, but she maintained it with steady breathing. Their audience though didn't have such limitation so they began laughing and cheering. Jaune glanced at their direction and gave them a thumbs up.

Yeah, keep playing the crowd, Yang thought. That isn't going to win this. "What do you call a cop always in bed?" she asked.

"An undercover cop," Jaune replied without hesitation. That got more members laughing. "Weak, Yang."

"We'll see, Vomit Boy."

He grinned. "How many ADHD kids does it take to screw a lightbulb?"

"How many?"

"Let's go play with our bikes."

Someone in the crowd snorted, which Yang almost reacted to, but she closed her eyes, shook her head.

"Come on," Jaune said, offering his hand. "Let it out."

"Oh shut up," she replied. "Why did the bird go to a hospital?"

"Why?"

"Coz he needed a tweetment."

Finally, someone in the audience appreciated her pun considering the laughter coming out from the audience. Jaune too seemed relate as he nodded with a small smile.

"Okay, that was good," he said softly. "Did you know I wanted to be a Banker?"

"Really?" Yang asked.

"Yeah, but I lost interest."

Well, it seemed the audience was in a good mood considering more laughter joined it. Not me, Yang thought, lips thinning to a line. You ain't gonna get me.

"What do you call a cross between a cow and a duck?" she began.

"Hmm?"

"Milk and Quackers."

The laughter was really getting louder, which really put Yang in a good mood. However, Jaune was still tight-lipped, taking steady breaths.

Probably taught by Invincible Girl, Yang thought. Then, an inappropriate image came to mind, a theory why Pyrrha was giving Jaune breathing treatment. It involved a bed, two of them naked, and—

She snorted, and when a ding came up, her eyes widened. "No!" she exclaimed.

"You laughed," Jaune replied with a big grin. "Looks like I'm winning this one, Xiao Long. Wonder what Beacon will say when I got one over you."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

Still with a smile, Jaune began. "How many lips does a flower have?"

"How many?" she replied.

"Two lips."

She glared at him before taking a breath. "What is orange and rhymes with parrot?"

He frowned. "What?"

With a swift motion, she took out the baby carrot nestled between her breasts and chewed on it. That finally got to Jaune as he choked out a laugh, joining in with the audience.

"Gotcha," she declared victoriously.

"Whatever," he replied. He waited until the audience's laughter died before he continued. "Me, Sun, and Neptune are starting a band. We named it Nine Nine Nine Megabytes. But we haven't got any gigs yet."

Yang made a noise from her throat, teeth threatening to show. "Probably because your guitar skills sucks," she replied.

"Ouch, Yang."

"Your own damn fault." She breathed. "What do you call a funny mountain?"

"What?"

"Hill-larious."

He just bobbed his head. "Hmmm… close. Almost."

"Thanks," she replied with a smile.

"Do you know a guy named He who fell down the stairs?"

"No."

"He be tripping."

Yang made sarcastic 'ha ha ha' sounds with her mouth closed, just in case it would count as a point against her. "Why did the banana go to the doctor?"

"Why?" Jaune asked.

"Because he was peeling well."

He gave Yang a 'Really' look before starting. "What has four wheels and flies?"

"What?"

"A garbage truck."

Yang rolled her eyes, wondering why the audience was shallow enough to laugh at that. "Did you hear about a guy who had his whole left side chopped up?"

"No."

"It's okay. He's all right now."

"Hmm," Jaune muttered, shaking his head. "A blind man walks into a bar."

"Okay…" Yang replied unsurely.

"And a table."

She blinked.

"And people—" then he suddenly laughed, which was infectious enough to get to her too. Two dings, and a louder laughter echoed in the closed room.

"Nice," Yang said after she recovered, still grinning. She was about to begin when a beeping sound echoed around them.

"That's the time limit!" one of the commentators said. "Both of our contestants are tied with a score of three each! So… we're going to—" 

An obnoxious air horn began to blare repeatedly in short bursts.

"—Sudden Laugh!" the other commentator finished.

"Rules are simple. Joke until one laughs!"

"And it starts… now!"

Yang wasted no time. "What did the grape say to the blueberry?"

"What?"

"You better breathe before you die."

A strong whoosh of air escaped Jaune's nose, which Yang hoped it would count, but there wasn't a ding. Then, he straightened up, frowning for a second before shaking his head. He took the deepest breath she had ever seen him do.

"What happens when you make a Schnee girl squirt?" he asked.

Yang's eyes widened, mind blown at seeing the innocent Jaune, who would blush at her flirting or laugh at her dirty jokes, make one himself. Time seemed to slow down as she realized what was happening.

It was completely unexpected. A surprise. Like her carrot trick, except better timed. Worse, the implications of him dropping that name had her laughter build up before the punchline even came.

"She charges you for the extra sauce."

Yang's laughter roared out so sharply and loudly that Jaune's eyes widened at the reaction. A very strong ding came from the background and people cheered as the announcer declared a winner.

"Jaune Arc wins with a stunning blow!"

"Holy mollies, where did he pull that one from?"

"Just to remind the viewing audience, jokes made from our participants no way reflect the views of the affiliated companies!"

That got Yang laughing even louder. "God, you're going to be the blueberry," she commented.

"What?" he asked blankly.

Yang just shook her head, laughter coming out non-stop.

* * *

"Got it out of your system?" Yang asked as she watched Jaune finally raise his head from a garbage can conveniently placed near the landing pad.

"Yeah, I think," Jaune replied weakly before shaking his head. "Didn't have to wait for me, you know."

"And miss the upcoming excitement? No way."

"What upcoming excitement?" he asked.

Yang just smiled before shaking her head. The two made their way to the dorms, silent, until she asked, "Dad jokes, though? Seriously?"

"Thought it would get you in a good mood," Jaune replied. "Ruby said you guys grew up with just your dad, and I'm pretty sure he made dad jokes as well."

"Didn't mean I'd be laughing at them," she countered. "I mean, sure, I did, but how did you figure to go with that?"

"Dad jokes are essentially stupid jokes that get laughs because it's unexpected or because you're laughing at the one making the joke. My sister said that setting up the mood would make it work. Just go all serious for a moment, let anticipation build, then make the stupid joke that catches them off guard."

"Huh. I'll have to remember that."

Then, she slapped him on the back, a little too strongly, making him stumble and yell out, "Hey!"

"What would have happened if I didn't laugh, though?" she asked.

"I was going to make another one, and if you didn't react differently, I'd start off with puns then maybe moved to dirty jokes," he replied. "I needed to get read your mood right, and I was glad you reacted well enough with it. It helped set up my transitions up until that last joke."

"That dirty joke did catch me off guard," she said. "You timed it well."

Jaune smiled a bit. "Thanks… though I didn't think you'd react like that."

"What kind of reaction were you expecting?"

"A bit of indignation at pulling out the name, then maybe a bit of amusement. It was supposed to be a set up to the next joke."

Yang nodded absently. "Which was?"

"What happens when a blind man passes an eating Belladona?" Jaune asked. After a pause, he continued, "The blind man yells, 'Well hello, ladies!'"

Yang raised an eyebrow. "You do know that won't work on a general audience, right?"

"I know," he admitted. "It's a joke tailored specifically for you because you know Blake's… uh—"

"Fish fetish?" she replied with amusement.

"You said that, not me," Jaune said quickly.

"Well, you're lucky you didn't actually go out with that joke," Yang said, cracking her knuckles threateningly. "'Coz I probably would have beaten you up for infringing on my partner's honor and all that."

"Either that and you get disqualified," he began confidently, "or you would have laughed. Win-win for me."

"Even in making jokes, you planned it out?" she asked, a little impressed.

"Of course," Jaune replied, frowning. "It's… the only thing I'm good at."

"Psh, don't feel down, Vomit Boy," she said, slapping him at the back once more—no shout elicited, but he gave her a nice glare this time. "You got me to laugh, didn't you? Don't want someone who beat me at something suck the mood. Besides, I did the same thing as well, though my preparation is nothing compared to the mastermind of Team JNPR. So cheer up!"

Jaune rolled his eyes, though sported a smile. "Yup, that's me. Mastermind. Still… what was that reaction at the end?"

Yang smirked as they finally came to a familiar corridor, and spotted a lone figure in a white combat dress and weapon sheathed at her side. "Hey, look. It's Weiss!"

Jaune blinked before turning to the direction of her gaze. "Huh. You're right. Why she armed, though?"

"Training, maybe?"

Before the blond could reply, Weiss started towards them, standing tall and rigid, her expression carved in stone.

"Uh, hey, Snow Angel," Jaune greeted, almost unsurely.

"Arc," Weiss replied coldly. "Good. I've been wanting to speak with you. I've heard a joke, I think you might appreciate it."

Jaune's face turned white, eyes wide.

"How much will a Schnee girl charge to neuter an Arc?" she asked.

"Miss Goodwitch! Good evening!" Jaune replied, standing rimrod straight. Yang blinked, watching Weiss suddenly turn around at where the blond was staring. No one was there. Then, her lips turned to a smirk when she saw the boy duck and charge as Weiss turned back at them. He passed the confused heiress before making a quick beeline towards his dorm entrance.

The way he took out his scroll from his pocket and opened the app that would key him in the room was something to behold. By the time the Princess recovered, he was already inside, the lock audibly clicking in place.

"Arc!" Weiss shouted as she charged towards the room, banging her fist on the surface. "Get out here and face me like a man!"

Yang couldn't help but keep her grin as she entered her own dorm, leaving the fuming Weiss still bullying the solid door that separated her from her prey. First thing she noticed was that Ruby was missing, though there was a familiar snorting laughter coming from the shut bathroom door. Her grin grew even wider at that. It didn't help when she saw the exasperated expression coming from her partner.

Blake was apparently trying to read, judging from the book she was holding, but with the noise coming from Weiss and the constant and ever growing laugh Ruby was dispelling, she was having a hard time focusing.

What a better time to make a joke, Yang thought.

"Blake," she called, earning a small glare from her partner.

"I blame you for this," the cat faunus replied.

"Open the door!" Weiss shouted, voice still pretty clear even from inside their dorm. "Just get it over with! Or… or I'll make it extra painful tomorrow!"

"Eh," Yang replied, waving her hand carelessly. "Anyway, you know what happens if a blind man passes by you while you're eating?"

Blake blinked before narrowing her eyes.

"Come on," Yang teased.

"Fine. What?"

"He yells out… Well hello, ladies!"

She got smacked in the face with a book for her trouble.


End file.
